Morbid Irony
by kuro-oni5
Summary: I've written this for the sole reason that no one else has.
1. The first

**Morbid Irony**

A profound statement is merely a pun that lacks humor, born from the malicious intent to amaze the unwary.

Ranma one half is sole property of Rumiko Takahashi.

Like everything worthwhile in life, it begins with a dream.

The police had drawn a blank; Nerima had just experienced a rash of disappearances unlike anything Japan had ever seen before. In three nights, ever single martial artist that Nerima had prided itself on had gone missing. Starting with the Tendo and Saotome families on Friday, everyone, including Hapoosai, had gone without a trace. The Kunos and amazons were next, but still no one noticed anything was wrong until the third night, when all of the miscellaneous fighters around the district vanished, Ryoga, Taro, Dr. Tofu, and a good deal of the student and teacher populations of Furinkan and St Herebeke high schools just wound up missing. The police were informed that night.

It was on Monday that the bodies started showing up.

Genma and Soun were found outside of the dumpster of their favorite bar by the owner of said bar, barely conscious. They died in the ambulance from a combination internal bleeding and alcohol poisoning.

The police would have passed this off as them getting drunk off of their asses and then getting into a bar fight, if, not five minutes later, they hadn't gotten the second call.

Akane Tendo was found in her room by her friends, her face smashed in viciously by a large wooden hammer. Her body held down by barbells, cinderblocks, and other various heavy objects that lay in a pile on her chest and arms. Both the mallet and her face had been crushed to a pulp with the force of the blows; a hole from the impact went clear through the floor, leaking brain matter and blood into a pot placed on the kitchen stove.

After that calls started coming in from all over town, and the undermanned, low budget police force could barely deal with one before moving onto the next.

Nabiki's body was found in the vault of a local bank, four thousand yen in five yen coins was found in her distended stomach, another five hundred yen in her throat.

Nodoka had been found, positioned in the middle of seppuku, her dagger tip only scratching the surface of her stomach, her throat slit cleanly.

Kodachi Kuno was found in her private garden. She had been hung by her gymnastics ribbon, her arms and legs held securely by the thorny vines of four nearby rose bushes. An autopsy revealed she had been forced to swallow every single experimental concoction in her lab before she died. The killer had disemboweled her and fashioned her internal organs into a crude test tube holder. She died four hours after being hung, three after ingesting the drugs, and two after being eviscerated.

Tatewaki was found with a picture of Ranma chan nailed to his forehead, run through with his boken.

Their servant Sasuke had been torn in half, his upper body prostrating itself in front of Kuno, and his legs and lower abdomen kneeling before Kodachi. His head was placed on the desk of their father's office, where their father was sitting, his scalp removed by hair clippers and a set of scissors plunged through his skull deep into his brain.

The rest of the bodies had been found in similar situations. Hinako was slowly suffocated to death with a stuffed replica of her younger form. Gosunguki suffered under third degree burns to his face and his hands were impaled to two trees in Furinkan's fields. The golden pair were found locked in a fatal kiss, heads forced together and bound there, noses plugged securely, they suffocated within minutes and died soon after. The amazons and Ukyo were found in their restaurants. Mousse and Shampoo were killed in their cursed forms, and fried with a side of ramen. Cologne had been skinned to the bone, oddly simple compared to the rest. Ukyo had a chest binding rapped so tightly around her chest it crushed her lungs and stopped her heart. She died of asphyxiation.

The police were facing the greatest known loss of life in all of history; the recorded body count was just shy of two hundred, the only bodies missing were Happosai's, Kasumi's, and Ranma's.

Happosai and Kasumi had been found days after the primary investigation, in the Tendo attic.

Happosai had his hands resting on Kasumi's bared chest, and was straddling her waist with his legs. The two were still alive, but only barely because of hunger and sleep deprivation. Kasumi was lying on the floor, propped up by bruised elbows. All around them were massive amounts of explosives, set to explode if either of the two made a move, motion triggers were secured by pieces of Happosai's bra collection. The two collapsed just as the bomb squad was sent in to disable the trap.

Ranma admitted himself to the mental hospital that evening.

_Why won't it ever stop?_

Ranma awoke in mid scream. He bolted upright and immediately started wiping some of the cold fear sweat from his brow. He closed his eyes and tried to stop panting. Once he got his breathing back to normal he curled into an upright ball and started murmuring to himself. "I would never do that. I couldn't. Their all my friends!" Ranma froze as he heard a hacking cough issue to his left.

He turn his head slowly to find the remains of his fiancée next to the bed. A low animalistic sound emanated from his mouth as Akane's mouth moved impossibly to form words a corpse should never speak.

"But you already did my love. You enjoyed it." And she collapsed, her head melting into the form he had seen in his nightmare.

_Does it matter that it was justified?_

Ranma awoke to the sound of metal on glass, a huge grin on his face. He sat up in his hanging cot in the mental ward and faced his captor, a beautiful young psychologist tapping the top of her clipboard against the bullet proof door.

Ranma unlocked the door for her and she strolled inside, he adopted an annoyed frown as she took a seat.

"You woke me up from the most marvelous dream doctor Smith. Would you like to hear about it?" he ignored her as she shook her head no, she knew which dream he was talking about, "I was just getting to my first day in the establishment. Do you remember it?"

"I do, I'm just here to do your regular mental evaluation Ranma. We have to concentrate on what might be wrong with you; there will be plenty of time to discuss things like that later." The woman had been dealing with Ranma for years, and knew exactly what he wanted to hear. He was convinced that if he was here he could get better.

"Well you would best get going then. Only thing that will help I suppose." Ranma paused, then continued on, half talking to himself, "You know, if Kasumi hadn't tried to stop me, I would have let her live. I might have used a whore instead. Would that have been better?"

"Alright Ranma, it's been awhile since you were last asked these questions. We have to see if your answers differ from the first time I gave them to you. Why do you think you killed everyone?" The woman had her pen poised above her clipboard ready to repeat the arduous process of trying to keep the man before her sane.

"I think it was because I felt betrayed. That's the only reason I was going to leave Kasumi alone. She never did anything to betray anyone. That is, until she tried to stop me. She never stopped them from hurting me. But when revenge is on the other foot she suddenly becomes noble. I remember my stay in here quite well. The fool who tried to restrain me on the first day. The unnecessary attachments to my cell to keep me contained. Even the assassination attempt by the federal government. I've caused a lot of damage to your fine facility. Breaking the added bars, straight jackets, and quite a few idiotic staff members. I came here to get better, and you all want me dead." Ranma started to glare hatefully at the walls around him and what they represented,

"On the contrary Ranma, I think you are one of the most well behaved patients I've ever had. When not provoked." Doctor Smith retained her calm outer demeanor.

"I've learned a lot in my life. The art, ah the art, used to kill the guilty so we can defend the innocent. I learned pain and insanity at the hands of my father and the neko-ken. And I've learned blood, both mine and others. But I think I have learned all I can here Doctor. I would like to leave now." Ranma lifted his hand, palm upwards, and formed a ball of pure white ki, "I think you betrayed me doctor. It was you who tried to have me killed. Goodbye."

_Will justice take away the pain I caused?_

"In this late breaking news, Ranna Saotome, convicted killer of one hundred and ninety six, has escaped the mental hospital and is at large. We will be posting his picture 24/7 and if you see him in your neighborhood police are asking that you contact them immediately and avoid contact at all costs. Suspect is extremely dangerous and has been known to kill people at the slightest provocation."

_My release comes swift, combined with a torrent of anguish and relief. I will join them in torment soon. Beyond the grave._


	2. The next

Morbid Irony

**Morbid Irony.**

_It is said that the moment you die your subconscious takes over your brain entirely and shows you an eternity of your promised reward. People who have faith in their religion live out an instantaneous dream between the loss of conscious thought and life. This explains why people see their life flash before their eyes when death comes near. You judge your life to find a suitable punishment when you come up lacking._

'This is it, my revenge has been taken. Those who have wronged me now suffer in their eternal nightmares. I must join them, for I have betrayed them by letting them travel down a path devoid of redemption.' Ranma barely managed to finish his note as the life drained from his eyes. He felt the encroaching darkness at the edges of his vision as his decidedly demented mind melded into the recesses of his subconscious. He knew his fate. His punishment had been decided and foretold. His only solace was that his visions would be no more consistent or vivid in death than they had been in life. He sank to his knees smiling as the dream that had plagued him started for the last time.

Because of the crowds of fanatics trying to decode his message, and the constant media attention, it took the asylum a full year to get the bloodied inscription off of the front of the building.

_I sink into my life, as it has been for as long as my memory holds. Those nights imprinted into my mind for longer than life itself would allow. I will endure until an instant of endless torture. For my revenge, even this price is welcomed. The acceptance and apathy that have sustained me will be my only shields against further madness. For the first time in my life, confidence is overwhelmed by fear. I fear I won't last long with justice turned against me_

Akane walked in the front door, announcing herself but greeted with a silence almost as solid as the wall of darkness she had stepped through. The entire house was pitch black, despite the noonday sun being at its peak. Akane shivered as she stepped through, knowing immediately that something was horribly wrong.

"Hello…?" Akane jumped as a voice called out from the darkness in perfect synchronization with hers. She wondered briefly how whoever was there knew what she was about to say before slipping into a basic defensive stance. She saw her disadvantage immediately. She was standing in the doorway, the only source of light in the house, which kept her eyes from adjusting to the darkness in front of her. Her opponent however, could see her perfectly, and would take all the time he needed to analyze her stance and attack from a weak point.

Akane backed slowly out of the door, determined to lure her enemy out into the open. She was so focused on the door she never saw the barbell roll off the roof to land squarely on her head, knocking her into a daze.

She slumped to the ground as her assailant dropped off of the roof. She only managed to catch a glimpse of the hem of his black pants before she drifted into the darkness.

_The first kill is always the hardest. Good thing this isn't my first._

Akane blinked herself slowly awake, eyes becoming used to the bright glare that flooded them. Her head throbbed uncontrollably as she struggled into a sitting position. She fell back onto her back as immediately as she had risen, more from dizziness than actual fatigue.

Her eyes shot open as she heard her voice from somewhere off to her left, "Don't bother getting up 'Kane, that'd only ruin the fun. Wouldn't want to have to put you down again after I went to all the trouble to get you here in the first place." She'd always thought it was a sweet voice, if a bit high pitched and girly for him.

"What's the meaning of this." she struggled out through her headache as her eyes tried to orient themselves on the smirking red figure in front of her, "Ranma? What's going on?"

"Oh don't act so naïve Akane-chan, I hoped you'd be a bit more aware than all that." The now identified Ranma kept on smirking as she watched Akane's eyes widen considerably. It wasn't just her hair and shirt that was red, Ranma's petite little girl form was covered in copious amounts of fresh blood.

"After all, it's not every day I decide to hit back is it youngest Tendo? It took me a good long while before I decided to "spring the trap" so to speak. Before you start to delude yourself, let me assure you that this is me, Ranma Saotome, I haven't hit my head or been possessed or anything. This is the real me and I'm going to enjoy yours more than anyone on the bloated dying earth."

Akane gulped as reality hit her hard, Ranma had gone from arrogant and egotistical to frightening and menacing, a thought broke through her conflicting emotions and rationalizations, "My what?" she said before she realized it.

"Your penance Akane, my dear sweet violent fiancée, I will make you suffer ten fold what you have visited upon me; and I will do it in the span of…" Ranma checked the pink clock on Akane's nightstand, "one hour, that's all I have until my next appointment. I'm a VERY busy man for the next three days, and I have to do away with all of you before they catch up to me. I hope you don't feel neglected dear one, but as they say 'Till death do us part!' ne? And a relationship as spectacular as ours deserves a spectacular death."

Ranma lifted a pile of what looked like cinder blocks over his head and Akane braced herself for what she knew was coming, it occurred to her that it was ironic she would be killed by her fiancé. The one she could never admit to loving. The one that had saved her so many times. She was still woozy from her concussion, too out of it to dodge or even feel angry at him for doing this to her. But what she didn't expect was him laying the huge pile of bricks gently on her chest. It was a massive weight; one that would have killed her had it been dropped recklessly, but as it was she just had troubles breathing buried under it.

She opened her eyes, realizing she had screwed them shut in expectation and looked up into that impish, and at the moment frowning, face.

"Oh come now Akane you don't think I would be that merciful did you? I told you we have an hour together and I want you to understand what you put me through those two long years. While all of your blows were quick, they could never be considered merciful." Ranma paced about the room; every so often he would pick up an object and add it to the pile. Now despite her growing awareness of her plight and her constant struggles to break free there was simply too much on her to do anything but remain prostrated. Even her extremities had been secured by masses of barbells and other training weights she owned.

"Perhaps I'll throw you out a window mi'love, or kick you across all of Tokyo to end up on some conveniently placed railroad spike." Ranma said this conversationally, as if her death was no more interesting to him than the weather, "But nooooo, they would notice you too soon, and I can't have myself caught after only three of you. I suppose I'll have to use 'that' instead. That leaves us with around twenty left before I have to prepare, so if you like you can ask me questions until I must dispose of you. Anything you like." He giggled slightly.

Akane strained her neck mightily to stare him in the face. Her grogginess had faded for the most part and left her clear headed and angrier than any time she could remember, "You sick bastard, you unrepentant Pervert! Why are you doing this? What have you done with my sisters?" Akane's rambling trailed off before it had truly begun as Ranma's eyes hardened considerably.

"One at a time Akane, don't push your luck." Ranma still smiled widely and his tone was still conversational but none of this demeanor reached his eyes. Akane found it odd how even though Ranma was in his female form she couldn't bring herself to think of him as a girl, "I'm doing this because it's the only way I can pay you back for your cruelty. Because you would continue sinning and harming people, even innocent people without me. This ward is draped in the trappings of sin and depravity and mostly mi'love it's because I'm off the deep end. Well and truly out of my mind and deep into the malevolent pool that you call insanity. I know what I do is wrong, but I do it. And don't think that you are in any way remarkable Akane, I have done this for years and would continue to do so if I hadn't come to this cesspool. This will be my life's work. I'll join those I have murdered in the underworld, knowing that both they and I deserve our fates for what we've done." He paused in his lengthy rant to see if it had the desired effect on her. It did, as he knew it would, so he went on to provoking her as he used to do, "Next question, and ask nicely or we might have to finish up early."

She swallowed, the nasty taste of outright terror still fresh in her throat. Although he'd used a lot of vague language his message became shockingly clear. She'd been the fiancée of a career killer for the past two years, and if she had of been a bit nicer about it she might just have escaped the massacre that he was initiating, "What did you mean by not wanting to get caught after 'just three of us'?" Akane knew what he would say, but if she was to preserve her life he had to be stalled. Maybe Uncle Genma or Daddy would come home and find this mess.

"You know what I meant; I had to get Pop and Mr. Tendo before you so we wouldn't be disturbed. You're my central work 'Kane, we lived together for so long I felt that you of all people should have the right to know the what's and why's of it all. I was merciful at least, after all their only true sins were sloth and greed, not much to get poetic about."

Akane felt like crying, but it wouldn't help any so she kept up with the questioning, "What about my sisters?"

"Nabiki has been called away, and Kasumi is visiting a friend, she at least will be spared though." He smirked as he watched how much this thought appeased her, "I'm going to have to get the burner ready, think on your questions while I tend to it." He slipped from the room so quickly she couldn't bring herself to stop him in time.

Left to herself her imagination ran wild, what did Ranma need the burner for? Was he going to cook something for her as a final moment of pity? Bile filled her throat as the fear overwhelmed her. It was an odd feeling for Akane Tendo to be this afraid, but in the face of this completely bizarre situation she couldn't even muster anger at her soon-to-be murderer. Besides, she knew what the consequences of another outburst would be.

Ranma hummed to himself as he skipped back into the room and jovially plopped himself onto the bed. "Your up again mi'love, I know you've got something stewing around up there, I can see it."

She bit her lip as a sharp retort nearly crossed her tongue, "What do you need the stove for?" Once again she was afraid she already knew the answer.

"Well, did you know this room is exactly above the kitchen? But I digress, the real reason is that I could get a clean shot, straight through to the floor here. I might get a bit of mess everywhere but there's a good chance some will still get in the pot."

Now she knew, so she didn't bother asking more about it, afraid of a firsthand demonstration, "What made you this way Ranma?" it had been on her mind since she could form coherent thoughts, and from the way Ranma was bouncing in his seat and the time she could make out on her clock it was to be her last question.

He said nothing as he walked to the closet, nothing still as he opened the door and withdrew her tool of choice, and then finally paused in his work to answer her, "As long as either of us will live, and I can guarantee it won't be long in either case, we will never know the answer to that question Akane. It could've been the neko-ken, or the separation from my mother or any of what Genma put me through. Whatever it was it's getting worse and I'm afraid I might just harm someone that doesn't deserve it. That scares me more than anything Akane-chan, so I'm ending it with you and the rest of them that have failed my tests. Now it's time to say goodbye mi'love, I'm afraid I'm running late."

_She loved me, or the image of me that lived with her. I could see it in her eyes. It didn't matter, for no one could love the truth and this time the truth won't just hurt, it'll kill…_

There we go, I dug this up from my old Dell hunk-a-junk and decided with a bit of editing it might make a few of you happy. It's definitely more detailed than the first chapter in terms of pure insane evil, but I found I got a bit Orwellian towards the end. I've decided to write out most of their deaths for the hell of it, and I hope the long monologue doesn't become a theme with it.


End file.
